Late night musings from the Phoenix's Nest.
What if you break up with the lies that you keep telling yourself?
What if you refuse to play by the rules? Rules you don't even know who made in the first place.
What if you no longer have a tolerance for bullsh*t?
Who are you then?
How about you have the courage to find out.
— FULL TRANSCRIPT —
Angel Phoenix Arsenal: Friends, I have opened this mic a multitude of times over the last week in this gigantour, Aries energy, Athena energy, and the sky is playing me like a fiddle. that's Scorpio New Moon calling me straight through it, and I feel like I'm being sandwiched between all the rage that I have stifled, all of the fury and all of the filth that I did not own as my own. All those qualities that would have kept me alive in war a long, long time ago. The things that make me are now the things that break me, the underbelly of my very existence, which is essentially the nest from my activism and my advocacy, and the fucking jet fuel to my frustration.
The reason that I did not record this earlier was simply because I did not want to show up and sound like an absolute fucking asshole. The truth is that I am going to sound like an absolute fucking asshole, not because I am an asshole because you're projecting a title, a perception on to me. You are projecting it because it is being born in the place that is calling you out on your self-created, self-sustained prison, on the stories that you are obsessed with telling, on the jail cell that is literally making you feel like you're suffocating. The claustrophobia being experienced there is like nothing else, and that you built it with your two hands, and you swallowed the key.
Now you're there, and you're calling your crazy sane. You are calling everyone who is awake and asking questions crazy. You are calling the jail cell, that prison of your mind safety. I suppose what's been just itching at my throat, clawing at the insides of me has become an almost desperate plea to really a ravenous cry of attention coming from my higher conscious, subconscious, true self, higher self, whatever the fuck it is you want to call it. It's that I've reached a point in my life now, where I literally have no threshold for bullshit.
I remember watching Lady Gaga's recent documentary, her only documentary on the voice of reason. It's probably because I've watched millions of hours of Lady Gaga online because I just love her. She was talking about how in a real, assertive, sound energy. She's like, "I just have no fucking threshold for bullshit anymore." It's not even that it can be like, "Patience is a virtue." I'm just going to entertain this in the name of patience. She's like, "I'm fucking, I just don't have the room for it." That's what I feel like right now.
It is truly what I feel like right now, after 33 years. 33 years of having the same shit, different small conversations in every arena of my life, in every arena, as either the one being bludgeoned for the entertainment of the audience or in the audience being entertained by the bludgeon-ness of whoever was being ripped to shreds for entertainment sake. Everything that I've seen in my work, in my careers, in my relationships, in my friendships, walking down the street, in the airports, traveling, in books, in my mind, connected to source, connected to spirit, believing I'm fucking deluded, all of it.
Every single stride and thread that ties every one of those fleeting moments together has come to a screeching halt. Today, right now, right here, on October 16, 2019. This commandment from what I cannot even explain that it's just like, "Angel, before you publish your book, you have got to have a goal at exposing the masks we wear, at being the bravest and the boldest you have ever been so that every system that exists because of our blatant, obsessive, compulsive, pathological use of masks, relies on. Therefore, it can only be dismantled if we divorce our masks, if we divorce our bullshit, if we move towards acute clarity, transparency, authenticity, honesty with ourselves."
That's the only way that these systems come undone. That is the only way that the violence and aggression and injustice and poison, toxic, disgusting-ness of this world is challenged. When we develop an eagerness and a willingness to go within ourselves, and look at how bad we are, even when we think we're not, and being okay with it, being okay with being a mess, wanting to be better every moment of every day, moving away from these measurable outcomes that make us feel like we're good people.
I haven't murdered anyone today. I must be great. What would it mean? Like, I've got the mortgage, I've got the superannuation. I'm in this long-term relationship, I haven't been adulterous. I follow my religious holidays. I fast. I don't curse. I don't wear white on Labor Day. This is literally every facade, every holiday, every excuse, every distraction, every derailment, every single way that we avoid responsibility for ourselves, for where we've come from, and for what happens next. The ways that we are allergic to being accountable to ourselves in order to be accountable for the world. It astounds me.
The conversations that I participate in regularly about money, about work, about timelines, about controversy, about health, about life, about death. The trivial analyzing of things that to me are so obvious that I find myself being like fucking, I'm an asshole. How can this person not see how ridiculous this is? I've gotten to the point now where I know that I'm not the asshole. I've gotten to the point now where you're the asshole. I've gotten to the point now where I have done the work. I am doing the work every single day to not be the asshole. Every single day, checking in with myself, within my body, every breath, every movement, the energy moving in me and outside of me, the energy I'm ticking within me, what I'm building, what I'm birthing, what I am protecting.
Everything that I do I ask, "Is this being created and held in integrity?" End of story. Not, "Does this person think I'm a good person? Does that person think that I did the right thing? What do my parents think?" Fuck that. I tried all that, and I'm sure you have too. I know you have too. I know that you have most likely inundated yourself with a lifetime's worth of trying to be liked by people who don't even like themselves. I bet that you have wasted a lifetime investing in seeking out the approval of people who cannot even get the approval of themselves in the mirror of their bathroom.
How toxic is it to be participating in something so detrimental to what we know as humanity. How mortifying it feels when we sit within ourselves and say, "How does the way I speak to myself and speak to my children or speak to strangers or speak to my clients? How does the way that I think about myself, think about my children, think about my work, think about my clients, think about everything? How does that play a part? How is it possible that every single person on this planet is playing pretend? How did we get so good at acting that we don't even know we're acting? How did we become so self-righteous in those lies, in that acting that we created lie detecting test as a virtually fail-proof measurement of what quantifies as a lie and what quantifies as truth?
When did this happen? Why? For the sake of humanity, the shared humanity of us, the collective, the empathy, the compassion, the connectedness that must stay alive. How did we let this happen? Why are we following the rules that we are following? Who wrote those rules? Who wrote the rules that you are following? Answer me this honestly within your heart and your soul, who wrote those rules?
Then who wrote that book? Do you know who wrote that book? Do you know what doctrine or what rules or what commandments or what parameters you are following? Do you really know them? Do you know where they born? Where they were born? Were they born in integrity? Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that is the truth? If you do not know the truth within your body, how the fuck are you going to tell me that you can know the truth on the tongue or on the paper, in the mouth or on the skin of everyone else?
How do we trust a system that lies every day, every single day, that sugar coats every single day, that destroys every single day? How do we trust that? I'll tell you why because we literally operate within that frequency of distrust, of disingenuous energy. In the caliber you could not even begin to find them every single day of our life because we lie to survive, we lie to fit in, we lie to be loved, we lie to get the job, we lie to get laid, we lie to make it through the day, we lie more than we tell the truth. Therefore, we don't trust ourselves.
This is where that self-deprecation and that self-harm and that depression is born. It is in knowing how the fundamental fucking cellulars, spiritual level that your fraud and imposter syndrome is not because you don't feel smart enough or good enough or clever enough to help to be in service, to be in the world, to get that job, to call yourself this, that or the other. No, no, no, that fraud and imposter syndrome is built in your bed of lies that you can't hide from. It is you reacting to that misalignment. It is you reacting to your bullshit. Aren't you bored? Aren't you bored?
Honey, you are not bored. You are boring. Let me say that again. You are not bored. You are boring. If you feel stuck, who put you there? If you feel stuck, who put you there? If you feel the way you do and you believe that the world is your perpetrator and you are the victim. If you really, really believe that, who has the gun up to a head and is forcing you to have the thoughts you have? If your mind is the prison and you have swallowed the key, you're only releasing, you only control your thoughts. Your thoughts make way to feeling. Your feelings are not holding you hostage.
Your thoughts are leading the charge. Everything we experience is in the microcosm. In the microcosm of us and the world, the world and us, the cosmos and us, the earth and us, the depth of the ocean floor and us, everything is a reflection of the next thing. If you have a problem with the people around you, ask yourself, "Are they possibly reflecting me back to the fragile parts of my bruised ego, of my entrenched patriarchy, of my bullshit that was sold to me that I believed, of the curse of my epigenetics that I refuse to break?" You will always find the answer in those moments.
You being bored and you feeling stuck is not a product of someone making you feel bored or making you feel stuck. It is an evolutionary invitation to move. You're obsessed with being right. You believe that if you deviate from what you have been told and what has been written as truth, that you will feel the wrath of whoever it is you fear and then you will feel the wrath of everyone around you. Everything that changes around you, once you change, once you become the real you and you are terrified of being happy, you are fucking terrified of being happy.
You choose to stay addicted to your struggles and your sufferings so that your victim mentality remains indulged like the rat pushing the button that electrocutes him just for fun. That is what you are right now, defeated, submissive, stuck in a situation where you are hurting yourself because that is your idea of feeling alive. This is what we have replaced as our natural state of rapture and ecstasies. We have bludgeoned the joy out of our bodies so far that we take drugs to make us feel ecstatic. We pop pills to bring us to our natural state. We call those who ask questions crazy.
We call those who are awake crazy. We institutionalize, we demonize, we vilify, we crash anybody who does go against that system, systems that are built on racism, on death, on hate, on corruption and on greed. But hey, you blame it on social media and money and capitalism. That's cute. That's really cute. Really? As Hoosier would say, "How good does it feel being on that horse's saddle, in the high horse stable?" This is not social media. This is not money. It's not capitalism. Everything that you buy into and participate every single day that is literally destroying this planet. All can be solved in the ways you show up in the world, not as the greenwashed version of you, not as the white savior version of you, not as the bullshit Oscar-winning performance version of you, not as that this sounds good on paper, but I'm not actually going to do it behind closed doors you.
It's the who the fuck are you when nobody is watching? Where are you when it is time to fight and what are you fighting for? Do you know what joy is? Do you know what it is to be in your body? Do you know love? Do you know what it means to be connected? Do you truly understand? Do you truly understand what we could do and what we could make if we broke those roles together and leaned into a willingness to be wrong about everything and got excited about risk? Imagine what would happen. If you walk away from this podcast and ask yourself only one thing, I want you to ask yourself that. What would happen is tomorrow you woke up and you broke every single rule that was written by somebody else, that felt like a lie in your body. What would happen?
What would happen if you replaced those lies and those roles with your truth, what would happen? How can I support you to do that? I am sitting here right now in my bed at 10:35 PM and I'm sitting here in the half quietness of the night, right before I know that I should sleep off and dream and catch some zest right after sea-shitting the screams of my son who was upset because I didn't read the pages of the book quick enough that he wanted to read, upset that his sister read the page instead of me reading the page. I'm sitting between this weird inter-dimensional place and space where I know I'm in a human body doing human things.
I know that my work is to do these human things in my human body and to feel human and to have these contrast experiences in order to help bring humanity to the human experience but there's a part of me that is just beckoning me to ask more questions and to lean a little deeper and to move towards more darkness and to be okay with being alone in the dark. That's what I'm bringing to you right now.
The softness and the vulnerability of that energy right now. I am divorcing the monogamous marriage that I made as a child bride to religion, to the world, to school to medicine. I'm divorcing all of those marriages. I am burning the little white dress that I was put in as a little girl in communion when it got on my knees like a good little girl and opened my hands at the foot of my priest and he broke bread with me.
Me on my knees, I am divorcing every single thing that I have been taught, that I've been told and that has been modeled before me that just doesn't make any fucking sense. You can choose to feel burdened by the pain of the world, you can choose to feel overwhelmed, you can choose to think that this is too much and you cant deal with it right now and I just need to survive and I just need to get through my day and-- that's your choice. At one point, your duty, it will call to you and that willingness to be here right now receiving that message, it will come and you will be here right now listening to it even if it's in five years from now.
This legacy and everything that I leave behind which is simply hearing my voice and believe that I am the heretic now. At one point, you will recognize my work and the work of many others as visionary work, as raising the vibration work, all rooted in the deep belief to ask more questions from my children, for your children, for their children, for the animals that we have extinct, for the countries that we have destroyed, for the opportunities that we have decimated along with the animals and the people and the cultures that we have to pillaged for the profit of who? I'm not sure. That's who I'm asking the questions for.
In my womb in the questions, in my womb in the etching of that red parchment paper, in my womb as the body intelligence. It is the knowing in the programming, in the circuitry, that is so fucking far beyond me. My little human brain will never be able to understand and I'm so okay with that. I have no attachment to expectations, I have no attachment to outcomes. What I know is that right now from this day forward, I just have to do what feels right and what feels good in my body. Do not indulge your brokenness because someone told you you were broken. Why do you feel broken? Who told you you were broken? How did telling you you were broken become the perfect way to avoid responsibility and accountability on that person's part for making you broken? Who is avoiding responsibility in the labels and titles you were given?
What systems benefit from us fighting each other instead of fighting them? How can we really believe that in this whole solar system, this planet that if we were just a few degrees, few degrees to the left or to the right it would be too hot or too cold to exist. How could we really believe that this life here right now is not the total embodiment of winning the fucking lottery of life? It is and tomorrow morning you can choose to decide that you are lucky that you woke up and that you are lucky day that you get to plan and choose and decide how you feel, spend fuck life, cry your day. You can choose to believe that I'm an asshole. That the world is fucked, that's your choice.
I hope that whatever you do, lean into today, tonight, tomorrow for the next 10 years you hear my voice and it holds you and that this legacy and that this digital recording finds my children and that this digital recording finds my students, that this digital recording finds you wherever you might be, it finds you and makes you believe that a future where we write the rules because we are grounded and compassionate enough and connected enough and able enough and enthusiastic enough and mutually invested with humanity enough to do so exists.
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